On being a bridesmaid

I figure the psychological wounds from being fitted for the bridesmaid's dress have almost healed, so I can post about getting the dress without having to curl up in a fetal position in the corner and weep.

As many of you know from reading the blog or following me on the Facebook or the Twitter, David's Bridal is my personal hell. It's loud, too bright, has too many mirrors and too princess-y. In fact, I hate the whole "bridal industry" for selling women an ideal that they will never obtain. Anyway, I went there to get fitted for a dress for my friend's wedding a few years back. The consultant we had at that time made me feel ugly and unattractive when she pointed out that my arms "look like sausages" and that I am obviously not the "pretty" one in the bridal party. After that incident (which cost a helluva lot of money to have someone call me fat and ugly--I can get that for free), I swore I would never, ever set foot in that store again.

Fast forward to my sister's wedding. I understand why my sister went with David's Bridal; the other bridesmaids live in other states and it makes sense to pick a chain for everyone to get her dress. However, this meant I would have to go back to the place I abhor so much.

So I put it off. I got texts from my sister to go get fitted. I ignored them. Finally, my dad took me out to David's Bridal the Saturday that concluded February Break, as my car was in the shop. As I drove out there, I started to get nervous. What if I didn't fit into anything? What if the consultants told me that I was unworthy to even be in the store because I was so horribly ugly and I couldn't be in the wedding because they would euthanize me for my appearance? Oh, if only I were a better person who only ate tiny portions of vegetables all the time; worked out two hours a day; and didn't drink wine with my friends! These thoughts, dear reader, were going through my head and I HATED myself for it. I hated myself for being my goofy imperfect me and I hated myself for buying into the hype that I let these people tell me that I am unattractive.

Anyway, I waltz into David's Bridal, expecting to try on the dress and get the hell out. No. As it turns out I needed an appointment to be tortured, even though my sister picked out the bridesmaid's dresses MONTHS ago. While I should've had an appointment, I was told, the consultant behind the counter supposed she could squeeze me in for a fitting in an hour.

After tooling around the very awesome art supply store in Southtown, I went back and was allowed to have my fitting. They didn't have my size in stock, so I had the option of getting a size smaller or getting three sizes up, as that was the next biggest. I opted for the smaller size, as I could already imagine how much it would cost to have this thing tailored to fit if it were way too big.

I took the dress into the fitting room, stripped down and tried to put it on myself. The zipper in the back was twisted, so I couldn't do it up. After struggling, I gave up, held the dress up in front to cover myself and opened the door to get someone to help.

I really didn't expect a whole family to be lined up outside the fitting room. As my door opened, 10 pairs of eyes focused on me, as I stood there holding up the dress to cover my topless self. Apparently, the family was with a bride-to-be who was changing in the dressing room next to me. The men of the family had long beards and wore camouflage hats. All I could think is "Great. Duck Dynasty is here to see me naked."

I flagged over a consultant to zip me up. She blamed me for the twisted zipper, which I maintain is NOT my fault, as probably a bunch of other people tried on the dress that day, as I was told "it is a popular style for this year's prom season." She then scurried away.

Notice the forced smile and all my tattoos. I'm not sure the tattoos were taken into account when my sister chose the dress.

The dress fit okay, although, if I tried to do the YMCA or bent over to pick something up, I was totally gonna pop out.

I then spent 15 minutes trapped in the dress, as I couldn't undo the zipper on my own. Finally, I pulled a David's Bridal employee over to help break me out. She informed me that before I was liberated from the gown, I would have to be "measured." I told her I didn't understand why--the damn dress fit! She said that it was procedure and she measured me as I lifted up my arms and such and almost flashed Duck Dynasty. She then asked how I was doing. "Not bad for someone who has lost her dignity," I responded.

After I got back in my street clothes, I went to pay. I found out that my dress will be in on April 21st, which is five days before the wedding. I hope that my body doesn't drastically change before then, as I won't have time to have the thing altered. I shouldn't have procrastinated. I really shouldn't have.

On my way home, I noticed that the junk store which formerly had the pink gorilla suit, had a new costume displayed next to their sandwich board sign.

"I heard it on the grapevine..."

I maintain that it would have been a far better option for me to buy the California Raisin costume and wear that to the wedding. Not only would it have been cheaper, both financially and emotionally, California is kind of like Florida (where my sister is going to marry), so I would be totally in theme. Most importantly, I wouldn't have to worry about flashing people because I would be totally covered.

Hmm...I wonder if David's Bridal will give me a refund.

Reading Friday

It's Reading Friday  Monday on the blog--whoo! My reading goal for the next few months is to read as many books by Teen Book Festival authors in anticipation of the Festival which is May 17th at Nazareth College.

I always envision myself pulling a Chris Farley when he met Paul McCartney with authors when I meet them. I find if I read their books ahead of time, at least I have something to talk about, rather than be all like, "Remember when you wrote a book? That was cool..."

Currently, I am reading Proxy by Alex London. I'm 3/4 of the way through it and I absolutely love it! London creates a believable future where people are indebted from birth in order to afford health care, data streams and education. Syd Carton is a proxy; that is, he is indebted to a rich family. The family has a son Syd's age, named Knox. Whenever Knox misbehaves, Syd is punished. When Knox kills a young woman, Syd is to be punished for the crime. However, circumstances throw both the young men together in an exhilarating plot that has kept me reading past my bedtime each night this week (except last night, when I fell asleep face-first into the book. It has been a rough week.).

I really enjoyed London's character development and watching the relationship between Syd and Knox grow throughout the novel.

I am looking forward to reading the sequel--Guardian--when it is released May 29th. I am also looking forward to fangirling over meeting Alex London at TBF in 74 days!