Christmas songs, Part Deux, or Songs I Love to Hate

A few days ago, I blogged about Christmas songs I liked--no snark. Today, I give you, the reader, a snark-fest as I blog about Christmas songs I love to hate...or like to poke fun at.

1. "We Need a Little Christmas". I love to sing along to this one! Of course, I've changed a few of the lyrics to be controversial:
"We need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the doorway
Candles UP your spinnet."

Then last year, my husband added these lyrics:
"I've grown a little leaner
I've grown a little older
I've grown a little weiner
Right here on my shoulder!"

I think we just improved on what is already a festive tune. Apparently, this is from the musical "Mame". I found that out just now as I was searching for it on the Internet.

2. "Dominic the Donkey". I don't know who sings this originally. I only heard it a few years ago on the radio. It drives me nuts and it gets stuck in my head. Having said that, I really want to go Christmas caroling and sing this song.

But just the "Jing-a-di-jing hee haw hee haw" part and then walk away. I'm sure my neighbors will be delighted by my singing and not at all nervous or confused.

Also, Lou Monte sings the original. I just looked it up.

3. "Santa Baby". Just...NO.

4. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas". While I am ambivalent when this comes on the radio, it causes my child to become crazy because "that kid is really, really annoying." He also just told me that "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" is another song he hates for the same reason.

5. "The Christmas Shoes" This is such a manipulative song. "Oh, please, sir, my mother is going to meet Jesus. I just want to get her shoes before she dies."

Thanks, kid, now we all feel like crap.

Anyhoo, I really believe that the kid is pulling that line on everyone in the store and is selling these shoes out of a van somewhere to fund a new Playstation 4 or something. Because I am just that jaded.

Thank you for reading my blog and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas songs, part one

I love Christmas music! Really, I do. I like to listen to it in the car while I'm driving through falling snow or I'm baking or doing something crafty. I can divide it into two categories: songs I love and songs I love to hate. Today, I post the top five songs I love:

1. The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams- This is my favorite holiday song. One reason is because the message is awesome: let's put aside our differences and celebrate together. This song makes me so happy!

2. Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano- This is a fun song. I have fond memories of my dad dancing around to it when we celebrated Christmas growing up.

3. Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby- Again, I have fond memories of my dad dancing the hulu whenever this came on the radio.

4. Suzy Snowflake by Rosemary Clooney- My poor kid thought it was "Trumie Snowflake" as I sing it that way. Trumie is our cat, Truman. However, my kid and I both agree that the whistle in the song is delightful.

5. We Wish You A Merry Christmas- John Denver and the Muppets:
Gonzo: Now bring us some figgy pudding, now
Miss Piggy: Piggy Pudding?
Gonzo: No, FIGGY pudding, it's made with figs
Miss Piggy: Oh
Gonzo: and Bacon
Miss Piggy: What?

There are many more Christmas songs that I love, but I thought I would limit it to my top five.

Tomorrow: The top five Christmas songs I love--to hate.

My joke

About a year and a half ago, my son wanted me to unwrap a piece of Laffy Taffy for him. If you eat Laffy Taffy, you know that there are jokes printed on the wrapper.

And I totally read the joke wrong:

Q: What did the egg say to the kitchen counter?

A. I've got a lot of problems.

Apparently there were two jokes on that piece of taffy ---the one where the egg tells the kitchen counter it "cracks it up" and the one where the math book and pencil talk. Having said that, the combination of the two jokes has become existential and hilarious. Also, I maintain that "I've got a lot of problems" is an uncomfortable and awesome punch line to your regular run-of-the-mill jokes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: I've got a lot of problems.
***

Q: Knock, knock.

A: Who's there?

Q: I've got a lot of problems.


I think I have a future in comedy.

With a Grateful Heart

I know Thanksgiving has passed, but today strikes me as a good day to have do a post about being grateful. I've been thinking of gratitude since our staff retreat a few weeks ago and since one of my coworkers, Rebecca, talked about an exercise where one writes down five things he or she is grateful for every day.

I apologize ahead of time if I miss anyone or anything in this post; for there is much I am thankful. Also, the list is not in any order of importance-- it is just what is coming to mind. I am grateful for:

-My husband. In his own quiet way, he is my biggest cheerleader. For example, a few weeks ago, I told him I wanted to quit karate. He suggested that I stay in until I achieve my next rank. I'm glad I did because my perseverance has made me realize that I really do love karate and kickboxing. I am grateful for his support over the past 12 years.

-My best friend, Amy. A couple of years ago, I was in a very dark place in my life. Amy supported me through this time by listening to me and encouraging me. Thank you. What I love most about Amy is the fact that when the two of us get together, we end up in this feedback loop of silliness which results in me laughing so hard that I cry.

-My friends/ extended family / people I work with. You are very good to me. Thank you for your encouragement and support.

- My mentors and colleagues, including Dr. Lauren, Eileen Connelly, Mike H., Jim Ferris, Colleen B. They have taught me, had faith in me and encouraged me. Know that I am forever grateful for the gifts you have given me: grit, inquiry and inspiration. Thank you.

-The fact that I have a job that I love. I work with books and kids. I get kids excited about reading and about thinking. Tell me this isn't the best job ever!

-My karate family at UMAC. When I came to you, I was couch-bound, 25 pounds heavier and unhappy. Thank you for training me, challenging me and smiling at me! You guys rock!

- My blog readers. I am inspired to write more because of your comments on the blog and Facebook. Thanks for encouraging me to write and feeding into my delusion about the fact that Furbies took over prairie towns and that tabby cats will be our new world leaders.

So, thank you. All of you. May you be blessed during this holiday season.

And thanks, Rebecca, for getting me into a grateful mindset.

Cats, part the Second, or Where I Expose the Tabby Cat Lobby

Not too long ago, my husband and i came up with this concept of the Tabby Cat Lobby. Tabby cats are very vocal, at least the two I've had in my life. I think somehow this translated into the fact that tabby cats have a powerful lobby where they petition the government for things like kitty treats, longer naps and lower inheritance taxes.*

We figure if the Tabby Cat Lobby combines forces with the NRA, it would be the most powerful lobby in the US. Plus, the idea of crabby tabby cats with guns is a little scary.

I have been building photographic proof of the Tabby Cat Lobby on my Pinboard, Tabbyspotting. Here you will see tabby cats with some of the most famous people of the world.

Am I paranoid? You bet. Our tabby sleeps next to me at night. Who knows what she could be thinking?

*This is a reference to Cats, Part the First, where I posit that those little old ladies who leave all their money to their cats when they die--those cats invest in a PR firm that promotes cats as clean, smart animals.

Cats, Part the First

Our cat, Lucy, whom I also call Lulu Jones. Photo by my son.

I knew eventually it would come to this: I would blog about cats. I apologize to you, dear reader. You see, before I married, I was pretty sure I was going to end up alone in my big ol' house with a hundred cats and tons of old books. Since I married, we moved to a smaller house. I don't hoard books so much anymore. However, I still have cats--three of them, instead of the hundred that I figured I would amass by now.

Anyhow, my inspiration for this post is that I just came home from work, went upstairs to change into pajama pants and, lo and behold, on my bed, someone blew lunch.*

As I was changing the sheets, I thought about how cats are really gross little creatures. I know that many of you may be under the impression that cats are clean animals. That's what the cats WANT you to believe.

You know those little old women who leave their life fortunes to their cats?

I'm pretty convinced that the cats take the money and hire some really good PR firm. The PR firm has sold the American media on the idea that cats are clean, smart, independent animals that are easy to care for. 

LIES! Blatant lies! I have witnessed said cats run into the bathroom when I open the door to drink out of the toilet. I have witnessed said cats eat stuff off the floor. I have witnessed said cats get their heads caught in empty cans and run away with said can on head. **

I'm pretty sure the Tabby Cat Lobby will somehow censor this post. You don't know what the Tabby Cat Lobby is? Stick around, dear reader. I will expose them tomorrow on my blog.

*"blew lunch" is a term coined by my dad to indicate throwing up. Hence, the term "lunchblower" is any ride at an amusement park that would make the rider sick to his/her stomach.

**This happened when I lived in Olean. Some feral Olean cat was in our trash. When I opened the front door to see what the commotion was, this cat ran away with its head stuck in a tin can. I assume it got the can off its head. Cats are so freaking brilliant.

Reading Friday

Since this has been a book-heavy week, I figured I would close out with what I am currently reading and what I just read and my impressions of both.
 

Currently reading: Cold Calls by Charles Benoit

I managed to get my hands on an ARC of this novel, as it is not due out until April. I'm about 50 pages into this book and I am loving it! Benoit has a gift in writing suspense. It is one of those books where I have to read into the next chapter to see what happens. Cold Calls is about three teens. Each has done something terrible and these terrible things are secrets that the teens don't want getting out. A mysterious voice calls each teen, tells him or her that the caller knows his/her secret and this the secret will be exposed, if the teen doesn't complete the tasks the caller assigns to him/her. The tasks involve bullying other kids at the teens' schools.

I anticipate finishing Cold Calls this weekend, especially since the Weather Channel is predicting a dire Snowpocalypse this weekend.

Just Finished: Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

I picked up Cat's Cradle two weeks ago when my husband left it lying around. I really enjoyed this book because it made me think about stuff. I liked Bokononism, which is "shameless lies". Within those lies, there lies a lot of truth, I think.

My husband describes Vonnegut's style as "deceptively simple". I agree. I feel like Cat's Cradle fits into the same mold as Catcher in the Rye in that there is an unreliable narrator tell the reader about what is wrong with society or humanity, but this is portrayed as a fault of the narrator, rather than a fault of the society.

Because of Cat's Cradle, I understand why people think Vonnegut is one of the best American authors of the 20th century. I'm looking forward to reading more of his books.

So many books...too little time...

What are you currently reading? Feel free to leave a comment below, or, if you are accessing this through Facebook, you can comment on the post that contains this link.

10 More Books

After reading my friends' lists on Facebook, I decided I need to make another list of the 10 YA Books that Have Stayed With Me:

1. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

2. The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin by Josh Berk

3. First Test by Tamora Pierce

4. Blood and Chocolate by Annette Curtis Klause

5. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

6. Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan

7. Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan

8. Companions of the Night by Vivian Vande Velde

9. Rules of the Road by Joan Bauer

10. The Ear, The Eye and The Arm by Nancy Farmer

There are a ton more, but these were the first ten to come to mind. Having said that, I can't believe I forgot about #7 on this list yesterday when I composed my initial 11 books. Boy Meets Boy is beautifully written and rates up there as one of my favorite books.

Ten Books

So, there's this thing going around Facebook that I was tagged in: "Ten books that have stayed with you. Don't take more than a few minutes. Don't think too hard.* They don't have to be great books or your favorites. Just the ones that touched you."

I figured I would put my list of 11** books here on my blog, as I really didn't have a good entry today anyway. Plus, I figure I could link to fun things in my list. Check it out:

1. American Gods by Neil Gaiman

2. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

3. The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury

4. Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S. King

5. Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh

6. Nightrunner series by Lynn Flewelling

7. Hero With a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell

8. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

9. Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce

10. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

11. The Subterraneans by Jack Kerouac

By the way, in case you were curious, book 3 is the reason why I have so many tattoos.

*Oh, no worries on that!

**Because just 10 was way too hard. According to the directions, this wasn't supposed to be hard.

How My Brain Works And My Experience as Mrs. Claus

You may notice this is the second The Simpsons video I've posted in a row. I will let you in on a little secret why: my internal dialog is pretty much The Simpsons clips.

This clip has been going through my head for the last few days.

Also, the older I get, the more I can relate to Homer Simpson.*

Just sayin'.

I was going to write about my experiences as Mrs. Claus this past weekend. It was...interesting. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you may have noticed a photo of Mrs. Claus holding a bearded dragon in your newsfeed.

Perhaps you wondered how bearded dragons became part of Christmas. Here's what happened:

This was my second year of being Mrs. Claus. I really enjoy playing Mrs. Claus: I get to do overly-dramatic reading of Christmas stories, get kids singing Christmas songs and make up stories about life at the North Pole ("So you think I'm too young to be Mrs. Claus? I'm Santa's trophy wife.") It's a lot of fun and gets me into the Christmas spirit.

This year, the place where I "Claus around" invited people to bring their pets to be photographed with Mrs. Claus. One woman brought in her bull dog, a ferret (NOT on a harness--this becomes an important plot point), her two sons and a bearded dragon. As Mrs. Claus, I take everything with grace, including a bearded dragon that was handed to me while the mom decided to battle with her child to have his photo taken. The child didn't want his photo taken; he had come on the trip under the impression that the family was picking out a Christmas tree. The mother decided to try to force the son to take the photo. By this time, the kid was in tears. So I said, "You know, it's okay if he doesn't want to get his photo taken with Mrs. Claus."

The mother snapped, "Well, it's not okay with me. He's going to get his photo taken!"

The poor kid kept crying. I walked over to him, bent down and said, "Both Santa and I know you've been a good boy this year." Then I walked away from the mom and kid. Mind you, I was holding the bearded dragon throughout the whole episode.

Meanwhile, the other son was in charge of the ferret. The ferret got lose, emptied its bladder and pooped on the floor, and went into hiding under a piece of furniture. As one of the employees cleaned up after the ferret said, "I didn't know such a small animal had so much in it." The older son, aided by another child who was in the store, finally retrieved the ferret. Mind you, I'm still holding the bearded dragon.

Finally, the mother decided to get a photo of the one son, the dog, the ferret, the bearded dragon and me. I then get to give up the bearded dragon, which I had been carrying around in the way Dr. Evil carries around his hairless cat.

 Notice the similarities? I feel that because I am dressed in a ridiculous costume, I could be on my way to super-villainy.

*This is related to the topic, but I didn't write a transition into this thought.

This is why I haven't posted lately

Because this is what is going on inside my brain, too.

What the duck?!

I know it's three days late, but Happy Thanksgiving! or Friendsgiving, as Amy calls it. Amy and Dave came over for dinner tonight. Mark made duck. Mark spent two days preparing the duck.

Because it was a special occasion, I dressed in my best outfit:

 

I was trying to look like my brother, Pete, in this photo. Instead, I just look upset. Anyway, the vintage "And Justice For All" shirt is my go-to for special holiday dinners. There is a bunch of Easter photos where I am wearing this particular shirt. If you think this is odd, just remember, my mother brought us up on watching a steady diet of movies like "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" on holidays.

Anyway, about the duck: my husband had spent two days preparing this duck. He had watched this movie again and again on NY Times' website about how to prepare a duck. He was confident in the duck department. After the initial half hour in the oven, the house smelled like I would imagine hell smelling. The downstairs of our house was filled with smoke from burning duck fat. I told my husband I had to leave. This is when I reminded my husband that NY Times wasn't perfect. Let's face it, they hired Jayson Blair.

I ended up going up to Tops on Mt. Read to buy Silk Soy Nog, as Wegmans on Mt. Read doesn't carry it. Many of the other Tops shopper gave me the hairy eyeball as I passed them in the aisles. I think the smell of burning duck fat traveled with me to the grocery store.

My husband tried so hard to make a perfect holiday meal. He had studied duck cooking videos, read the cookbooks and looked up websites. Cooking is one of his passions (the other is photography), and he really put his all into this dinner.  So, when the orange fell out of the duck's cavity, got covered in duck fat and practically caught on fire, I really felt for the guy.

However, after two hours, he produced this from the oven:

And I was thoroughly impressed!

Dinner was very tasty. In fact, I had someone who wanted seconds, thirds and more:

"Hello, there. You may have noticed me next to your chair. I would like all the duck, please."

Because it is the holiday season, I decided to extend the olive branch and call my father. I missed his call on Thanksgiving day and thought it would be a nice gesture to have him over for some duck.

He came. And brought my step-mother.

Now, I don't want you to think I have some sort of Disney-evil-stepmother complex. I don't. I don't think my stepmother is evil. She is just, um, different. 

My stepmother doesn't eat meat*. My dad said she would bring her own porridge if they came for dinner. She didn't. I offered her the last of the roasted brussels sprouts, which she told me "they don't have in China". She loved them. My dad also offered her the gravy for the mashed potatoes that was made with duck fat. Both my husband and I told him it was made with duck fat. He poured it on her mashed potatoes and brussels sprouts anyway and she loved it. Again, when I pointed out to him it was made with duck fat, he said, "What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

So I watched her slurp down the rest of the gravy. And I left it at that.

My dad brought dessert, which was nice:

"It's...smiling at me."

Overall, my husband did very well cooking and the evening was pleasant.

* This is not what makes her different. I don't each much meat or animal products either. She's just weird.