Christmas songs, Part Deux, or Songs I Love to Hate

A few days ago, I blogged about Christmas songs I liked--no snark. Today, I give you, the reader, a snark-fest as I blog about Christmas songs I love to hate...or like to poke fun at.

1. "We Need a Little Christmas". I love to sing along to this one! Of course, I've changed a few of the lyrics to be controversial:
"We need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the doorway
Candles UP your spinnet."

Then last year, my husband added these lyrics:
"I've grown a little leaner
I've grown a little older
I've grown a little weiner
Right here on my shoulder!"

I think we just improved on what is already a festive tune. Apparently, this is from the musical "Mame". I found that out just now as I was searching for it on the Internet.

2. "Dominic the Donkey". I don't know who sings this originally. I only heard it a few years ago on the radio. It drives me nuts and it gets stuck in my head. Having said that, I really want to go Christmas caroling and sing this song.

But just the "Jing-a-di-jing hee haw hee haw" part and then walk away. I'm sure my neighbors will be delighted by my singing and not at all nervous or confused.

Also, Lou Monte sings the original. I just looked it up.

3. "Santa Baby". Just...NO.

4. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas". While I am ambivalent when this comes on the radio, it causes my child to become crazy because "that kid is really, really annoying." He also just told me that "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" is another song he hates for the same reason.

5. "The Christmas Shoes" This is such a manipulative song. "Oh, please, sir, my mother is going to meet Jesus. I just want to get her shoes before she dies."

Thanks, kid, now we all feel like crap.

Anyhoo, I really believe that the kid is pulling that line on everyone in the store and is selling these shoes out of a van somewhere to fund a new Playstation 4 or something. Because I am just that jaded.

Thank you for reading my blog and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas songs, part one

I love Christmas music! Really, I do. I like to listen to it in the car while I'm driving through falling snow or I'm baking or doing something crafty. I can divide it into two categories: songs I love and songs I love to hate. Today, I post the top five songs I love:

1. The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams- This is my favorite holiday song. One reason is because the message is awesome: let's put aside our differences and celebrate together. This song makes me so happy!

2. Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano- This is a fun song. I have fond memories of my dad dancing around to it when we celebrated Christmas growing up.

3. Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby- Again, I have fond memories of my dad dancing the hulu whenever this came on the radio.

4. Suzy Snowflake by Rosemary Clooney- My poor kid thought it was "Trumie Snowflake" as I sing it that way. Trumie is our cat, Truman. However, my kid and I both agree that the whistle in the song is delightful.

5. We Wish You A Merry Christmas- John Denver and the Muppets:
Gonzo: Now bring us some figgy pudding, now
Miss Piggy: Piggy Pudding?
Gonzo: No, FIGGY pudding, it's made with figs
Miss Piggy: Oh
Gonzo: and Bacon
Miss Piggy: What?

There are many more Christmas songs that I love, but I thought I would limit it to my top five.

Tomorrow: The top five Christmas songs I love--to hate.

My joke

About a year and a half ago, my son wanted me to unwrap a piece of Laffy Taffy for him. If you eat Laffy Taffy, you know that there are jokes printed on the wrapper.

And I totally read the joke wrong:

Q: What did the egg say to the kitchen counter?

A. I've got a lot of problems.

Apparently there were two jokes on that piece of taffy ---the one where the egg tells the kitchen counter it "cracks it up" and the one where the math book and pencil talk. Having said that, the combination of the two jokes has become existential and hilarious. Also, I maintain that "I've got a lot of problems" is an uncomfortable and awesome punch line to your regular run-of-the-mill jokes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: I've got a lot of problems.
***

Q: Knock, knock.

A: Who's there?

Q: I've got a lot of problems.


I think I have a future in comedy.

With a Grateful Heart

I know Thanksgiving has passed, but today strikes me as a good day to have do a post about being grateful. I've been thinking of gratitude since our staff retreat a few weeks ago and since one of my coworkers, Rebecca, talked about an exercise where one writes down five things he or she is grateful for every day.

I apologize ahead of time if I miss anyone or anything in this post; for there is much I am thankful. Also, the list is not in any order of importance-- it is just what is coming to mind. I am grateful for:

-My husband. In his own quiet way, he is my biggest cheerleader. For example, a few weeks ago, I told him I wanted to quit karate. He suggested that I stay in until I achieve my next rank. I'm glad I did because my perseverance has made me realize that I really do love karate and kickboxing. I am grateful for his support over the past 12 years.

-My best friend, Amy. A couple of years ago, I was in a very dark place in my life. Amy supported me through this time by listening to me and encouraging me. Thank you. What I love most about Amy is the fact that when the two of us get together, we end up in this feedback loop of silliness which results in me laughing so hard that I cry.

-My friends/ extended family / people I work with. You are very good to me. Thank you for your encouragement and support.

- My mentors and colleagues, including Dr. Lauren, Eileen Connelly, Mike H., Jim Ferris, Colleen B. They have taught me, had faith in me and encouraged me. Know that I am forever grateful for the gifts you have given me: grit, inquiry and inspiration. Thank you.

-The fact that I have a job that I love. I work with books and kids. I get kids excited about reading and about thinking. Tell me this isn't the best job ever!

-My karate family at UMAC. When I came to you, I was couch-bound, 25 pounds heavier and unhappy. Thank you for training me, challenging me and smiling at me! You guys rock!

- My blog readers. I am inspired to write more because of your comments on the blog and Facebook. Thanks for encouraging me to write and feeding into my delusion about the fact that Furbies took over prairie towns and that tabby cats will be our new world leaders.

So, thank you. All of you. May you be blessed during this holiday season.

And thanks, Rebecca, for getting me into a grateful mindset.

Cats, part the Second, or Where I Expose the Tabby Cat Lobby

Not too long ago, my husband and i came up with this concept of the Tabby Cat Lobby. Tabby cats are very vocal, at least the two I've had in my life. I think somehow this translated into the fact that tabby cats have a powerful lobby where they petition the government for things like kitty treats, longer naps and lower inheritance taxes.*

We figure if the Tabby Cat Lobby combines forces with the NRA, it would be the most powerful lobby in the US. Plus, the idea of crabby tabby cats with guns is a little scary.

I have been building photographic proof of the Tabby Cat Lobby on my Pinboard, Tabbyspotting. Here you will see tabby cats with some of the most famous people of the world.

Am I paranoid? You bet. Our tabby sleeps next to me at night. Who knows what she could be thinking?

*This is a reference to Cats, Part the First, where I posit that those little old ladies who leave all their money to their cats when they die--those cats invest in a PR firm that promotes cats as clean, smart animals.

Cats, Part the First

Our cat, Lucy, whom I also call Lulu Jones. Photo by my son.

I knew eventually it would come to this: I would blog about cats. I apologize to you, dear reader. You see, before I married, I was pretty sure I was going to end up alone in my big ol' house with a hundred cats and tons of old books. Since I married, we moved to a smaller house. I don't hoard books so much anymore. However, I still have cats--three of them, instead of the hundred that I figured I would amass by now.

Anyhow, my inspiration for this post is that I just came home from work, went upstairs to change into pajama pants and, lo and behold, on my bed, someone blew lunch.*

As I was changing the sheets, I thought about how cats are really gross little creatures. I know that many of you may be under the impression that cats are clean animals. That's what the cats WANT you to believe.

You know those little old women who leave their life fortunes to their cats?

I'm pretty convinced that the cats take the money and hire some really good PR firm. The PR firm has sold the American media on the idea that cats are clean, smart, independent animals that are easy to care for. 

LIES! Blatant lies! I have witnessed said cats run into the bathroom when I open the door to drink out of the toilet. I have witnessed said cats eat stuff off the floor. I have witnessed said cats get their heads caught in empty cans and run away with said can on head. **

I'm pretty sure the Tabby Cat Lobby will somehow censor this post. You don't know what the Tabby Cat Lobby is? Stick around, dear reader. I will expose them tomorrow on my blog.

*"blew lunch" is a term coined by my dad to indicate throwing up. Hence, the term "lunchblower" is any ride at an amusement park that would make the rider sick to his/her stomach.

**This happened when I lived in Olean. Some feral Olean cat was in our trash. When I opened the front door to see what the commotion was, this cat ran away with its head stuck in a tin can. I assume it got the can off its head. Cats are so freaking brilliant.

Reading Friday

Since this has been a book-heavy week, I figured I would close out with what I am currently reading and what I just read and my impressions of both.
 

Currently reading: Cold Calls by Charles Benoit

I managed to get my hands on an ARC of this novel, as it is not due out until April. I'm about 50 pages into this book and I am loving it! Benoit has a gift in writing suspense. It is one of those books where I have to read into the next chapter to see what happens. Cold Calls is about three teens. Each has done something terrible and these terrible things are secrets that the teens don't want getting out. A mysterious voice calls each teen, tells him or her that the caller knows his/her secret and this the secret will be exposed, if the teen doesn't complete the tasks the caller assigns to him/her. The tasks involve bullying other kids at the teens' schools.

I anticipate finishing Cold Calls this weekend, especially since the Weather Channel is predicting a dire Snowpocalypse this weekend.

Just Finished: Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

I picked up Cat's Cradle two weeks ago when my husband left it lying around. I really enjoyed this book because it made me think about stuff. I liked Bokononism, which is "shameless lies". Within those lies, there lies a lot of truth, I think.

My husband describes Vonnegut's style as "deceptively simple". I agree. I feel like Cat's Cradle fits into the same mold as Catcher in the Rye in that there is an unreliable narrator tell the reader about what is wrong with society or humanity, but this is portrayed as a fault of the narrator, rather than a fault of the society.

Because of Cat's Cradle, I understand why people think Vonnegut is one of the best American authors of the 20th century. I'm looking forward to reading more of his books.

So many books...too little time...

What are you currently reading? Feel free to leave a comment below, or, if you are accessing this through Facebook, you can comment on the post that contains this link.

10 More Books

After reading my friends' lists on Facebook, I decided I need to make another list of the 10 YA Books that Have Stayed With Me:

1. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

2. The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin by Josh Berk

3. First Test by Tamora Pierce

4. Blood and Chocolate by Annette Curtis Klause

5. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

6. Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan

7. Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan

8. Companions of the Night by Vivian Vande Velde

9. Rules of the Road by Joan Bauer

10. The Ear, The Eye and The Arm by Nancy Farmer

There are a ton more, but these were the first ten to come to mind. Having said that, I can't believe I forgot about #7 on this list yesterday when I composed my initial 11 books. Boy Meets Boy is beautifully written and rates up there as one of my favorite books.

Ten Books

So, there's this thing going around Facebook that I was tagged in: "Ten books that have stayed with you. Don't take more than a few minutes. Don't think too hard.* They don't have to be great books or your favorites. Just the ones that touched you."

I figured I would put my list of 11** books here on my blog, as I really didn't have a good entry today anyway. Plus, I figure I could link to fun things in my list. Check it out:

1. American Gods by Neil Gaiman

2. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

3. The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury

4. Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S. King

5. Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh

6. Nightrunner series by Lynn Flewelling

7. Hero With a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell

8. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

9. Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce

10. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

11. The Subterraneans by Jack Kerouac

By the way, in case you were curious, book 3 is the reason why I have so many tattoos.

*Oh, no worries on that!

**Because just 10 was way too hard. According to the directions, this wasn't supposed to be hard.

How My Brain Works And My Experience as Mrs. Claus

You may notice this is the second The Simpsons video I've posted in a row. I will let you in on a little secret why: my internal dialog is pretty much The Simpsons clips.

This clip has been going through my head for the last few days.

Also, the older I get, the more I can relate to Homer Simpson.*

Just sayin'.

I was going to write about my experiences as Mrs. Claus this past weekend. It was...interesting. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you may have noticed a photo of Mrs. Claus holding a bearded dragon in your newsfeed.

Perhaps you wondered how bearded dragons became part of Christmas. Here's what happened:

This was my second year of being Mrs. Claus. I really enjoy playing Mrs. Claus: I get to do overly-dramatic reading of Christmas stories, get kids singing Christmas songs and make up stories about life at the North Pole ("So you think I'm too young to be Mrs. Claus? I'm Santa's trophy wife.") It's a lot of fun and gets me into the Christmas spirit.

This year, the place where I "Claus around" invited people to bring their pets to be photographed with Mrs. Claus. One woman brought in her bull dog, a ferret (NOT on a harness--this becomes an important plot point), her two sons and a bearded dragon. As Mrs. Claus, I take everything with grace, including a bearded dragon that was handed to me while the mom decided to battle with her child to have his photo taken. The child didn't want his photo taken; he had come on the trip under the impression that the family was picking out a Christmas tree. The mother decided to try to force the son to take the photo. By this time, the kid was in tears. So I said, "You know, it's okay if he doesn't want to get his photo taken with Mrs. Claus."

The mother snapped, "Well, it's not okay with me. He's going to get his photo taken!"

The poor kid kept crying. I walked over to him, bent down and said, "Both Santa and I know you've been a good boy this year." Then I walked away from the mom and kid. Mind you, I was holding the bearded dragon throughout the whole episode.

Meanwhile, the other son was in charge of the ferret. The ferret got lose, emptied its bladder and pooped on the floor, and went into hiding under a piece of furniture. As one of the employees cleaned up after the ferret said, "I didn't know such a small animal had so much in it." The older son, aided by another child who was in the store, finally retrieved the ferret. Mind you, I'm still holding the bearded dragon.

Finally, the mother decided to get a photo of the one son, the dog, the ferret, the bearded dragon and me. I then get to give up the bearded dragon, which I had been carrying around in the way Dr. Evil carries around his hairless cat.

 Notice the similarities? I feel that because I am dressed in a ridiculous costume, I could be on my way to super-villainy.

*This is related to the topic, but I didn't write a transition into this thought.

This is why I haven't posted lately

Because this is what is going on inside my brain, too.

What the duck?!

I know it's three days late, but Happy Thanksgiving! or Friendsgiving, as Amy calls it. Amy and Dave came over for dinner tonight. Mark made duck. Mark spent two days preparing the duck.

Because it was a special occasion, I dressed in my best outfit:

 

I was trying to look like my brother, Pete, in this photo. Instead, I just look upset. Anyway, the vintage "And Justice For All" shirt is my go-to for special holiday dinners. There is a bunch of Easter photos where I am wearing this particular shirt. If you think this is odd, just remember, my mother brought us up on watching a steady diet of movies like "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" on holidays.

Anyway, about the duck: my husband had spent two days preparing this duck. He had watched this movie again and again on NY Times' website about how to prepare a duck. He was confident in the duck department. After the initial half hour in the oven, the house smelled like I would imagine hell smelling. The downstairs of our house was filled with smoke from burning duck fat. I told my husband I had to leave. This is when I reminded my husband that NY Times wasn't perfect. Let's face it, they hired Jayson Blair.

I ended up going up to Tops on Mt. Read to buy Silk Soy Nog, as Wegmans on Mt. Read doesn't carry it. Many of the other Tops shopper gave me the hairy eyeball as I passed them in the aisles. I think the smell of burning duck fat traveled with me to the grocery store.

My husband tried so hard to make a perfect holiday meal. He had studied duck cooking videos, read the cookbooks and looked up websites. Cooking is one of his passions (the other is photography), and he really put his all into this dinner.  So, when the orange fell out of the duck's cavity, got covered in duck fat and practically caught on fire, I really felt for the guy.

However, after two hours, he produced this from the oven:

And I was thoroughly impressed!

Dinner was very tasty. In fact, I had someone who wanted seconds, thirds and more:

"Hello, there. You may have noticed me next to your chair. I would like all the duck, please."

Because it is the holiday season, I decided to extend the olive branch and call my father. I missed his call on Thanksgiving day and thought it would be a nice gesture to have him over for some duck.

He came. And brought my step-mother.

Now, I don't want you to think I have some sort of Disney-evil-stepmother complex. I don't. I don't think my stepmother is evil. She is just, um, different. 

My stepmother doesn't eat meat*. My dad said she would bring her own porridge if they came for dinner. She didn't. I offered her the last of the roasted brussels sprouts, which she told me "they don't have in China". She loved them. My dad also offered her the gravy for the mashed potatoes that was made with duck fat. Both my husband and I told him it was made with duck fat. He poured it on her mashed potatoes and brussels sprouts anyway and she loved it. Again, when I pointed out to him it was made with duck fat, he said, "What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

So I watched her slurp down the rest of the gravy. And I left it at that.

My dad brought dessert, which was nice:

"It's...smiling at me."

Overall, my husband did very well cooking and the evening was pleasant.

* This is not what makes her different. I don't each much meat or animal products either. She's just weird.

But I'm Not Really Sorry I Didn't Write About Thanksgiving

I was going to write a post about everything I am grateful for, but then I got frustrated and decided that I really can't write one honestly right now. Sorry. I know this is the antithesis of the meaning of today. However, I will regale you with what ran through my head at 2 a.m. this morning when I couldn't sleep.

I think that a lot of people have the perception that I am fun and silly and I don't really think deeply about things. For example, I don't post my political or religious views on Facebook nor do I talk about major news items during the course the day. This may give people the impression that I don't think about these things: I do. I just choose not to announce it.

The way I see it: there's a lot of sad and angry going on in the world at any one time. Many times, I deal with sadness at work. For example, last year, when the shootings happened at Sandy Hook, my office was a steady stream of people, mostly adults, looking for a cup of coffee and words of comfort as they tried to make meaning of something tragic. As a librarian, people think you have the answers to everything. I really don't, but I can listen and make a mean cup o' joe.

So, if I refuse to participate in debates about gun control, Obama, the war on Christmas, etc., it's not because I don't think about them. I am just choosing not to focus my energy on it. I am choosing to focus my energy on trying to be silly.

So after I was finished thinking about that, I decided to focus my mental energy on my irrational fears. As Stephen King wrote in Danse Macabre, it is easier to fear the fictional 50 foot bug that might be behind the door as opposed to dealing with the realistic fear of nuclear war. Because of this, dear reader, I was awake last night thinking about Robert the Doll. Because worrying about Robert the Doll hitch-hiking from Key West to Rochester to chew my hair is a much better fear than a school shooter.

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer

Last night, I ended up watching the Rankin -Bass  classic "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer." I have made some observations:

1. This is not my particular observation, but I think it is probably the best I've heard: Not many people know that Burl Ives wasn't always a snow man. He converted right before this special was made. (Credit goes to my husband for this comment.)

2. The Island of Misfit Toys: Some of the toys aren't really all that bad off--they are just a little awkward. For example, the elephant has polka dots. So what? The doll doesn't apparently have any issues, although, according to Wikipedia, she may be depressed. However, a theory was posed last night that she may excessively flatulent, thus being deserted on the island.

Some of the other toys may have issues, like the bird that likes to swim or the train with square wheels. I understand how they may be labeled misfits. Having said that, my husband said the Island of Misfit Toys should be renamed the Island of Awesome Toys because the bird who likes to swim was pretty cool.

3. Everyone is a jerk, including Santa. You know, for a guy who's supposed to be generous, Santa comes off as a big jerk in this special, lambasting Rudolph for his nose. It's only when Santa realizes that the nose may have an advantage that he's nice to Rudolph. Otherwise, Santa acts like Rudolph is a burden to him.

Rudolph's dad has unrealistic expectations for his son. He reminded me of Herbie Popnecker's dad, who constantly refers to his son as a "little fat nothing" even though his kid is constantly bailing him out.

4. My favorite character in the special is the little poodle who pushes Yukon Cornelius' sled. That poodle just rocks!

5. Herbie the Dentist Elf: This past weekend, my friend, Amy, and I went to the Shops on West Ridge, which is one of my favorite places to shop. We are both frightened and obsessed with Robert the Doll, so any old doll freaks us out. There are quite a few antique dolls at the Shops. As our shopping trip wore on, Amy came up with the idea that antique dolls will sneak into one's bedroom at night and chew one's hair. So when we came upon a locked case of antique dolls, we said, "Hair eaters!" and avoided the case. I think that we were pretty sure one was going to follow Amy home to chew her hair, as her hair is longer than mine. But then I realized that Amy lives across the river and everyone knows that evil dolls, much like vampires, can't cross water. So there, evil dolls!

Anyway, let's bring it back to Rudolph: Herbie the Dentist Elf fixes doll teeth. This made me realize that if he fixes doll teeth, the dolls have a better chance of chewing one's hair. And if the dolls are really good at chewing one's hair, then Herbie the Dentist Elf is an accomplice to pure evil! Of course, I texted Amy this thought and she heartily agrees.

In conclusion, I bet you didn't think I could read so much into this Christmas special, did you?

Him She Loves?!

When I was a tween, M.E. Kerr was one of my favorite writers. I loved Fell and Dinky Hocker Shoots Smack! This is why I was disappointed when I pulled the above book from our collection. While Kerr's other books circulate, this one hasn't.

I think because if one judges this book by its cover, one would assume that it is not about real people, but those creepy mannequins at the Old Navy.

Also, as was pointed out by a coworker, it appears as if the girl mannequin is driving a table. Also, it appears that they are driving this table in the middle of the ocean or a lake or some other large body of water.

Maybe this really isn't a work of realistic fiction: maybe it's a future earth covered with water because the polar ice caps melted.* The future is ruled by the creepy Old Navy mannequins who somehow because sentient and capable of love. They are driving their table on the ocean as part of a romantic date because this book is really a dystopian underwater mannequin romance.

There. I just invented a new genre. Watch out, publishing world!

* Yes, I realize I am borrowing from Kevin Costner's Waterworld.

Update!

Hi, all,

I know I've been quiet for the past week or so because I was away for work. I thought I would re-enter the blogosphere with updates on book cover conversations and "adult themes" as of late.

1. Adult themes: As you may remember from an earlier post, we had the roof replaced on our house. It is an "adult theme," as it was an expensive and angst-ridden process for me. Currently, the same contractor is replacing the ceiling in the room where the roof leaked. All the furniture and my crafting supplies are in the living room. Every time I travel the small path through the living room, Tom Petty sings in my brain,"You don't have to live like a refugee".

Anyhow, as my friend Amy pointed out yesterday, home improvement is a lot like Johnny's mom in Johnny Dangerously. There's always something else going wrong that you have to fix or replace. ("Kim, it's your house's insulation: it has shrunk so much, it's not doing its job. We need to replace it.").

2. Book covers: As I was cleaning out stuff from the craft room, I came across this book:

I didn't say that all my reading was intellectually-driven. Sometimes, I 'm content with the literary equivalent of a bag of potato chips.

Immediately, I thought the cover model of After Glow looked familiar:

This made me realize that Rick Springfield is a popular cover model. Why is this?

Upon reflecting on other "judging books by their covers" posts, I thought of this again:

 

I think I have to take back my comment about the Gremlin. I think Mary is holding the first Furby on the prairie. The manner in which the other young women are fawning over it indicated to me that this book is about the first Furby craze that swept the country in the 1800s.

Also, I need to apologize about my first blog post about Little Town on the Prairie. My friend, Amie, pointed out that Mary is blind and that Williams is depicting her blindness. She is not possessed, as I had hoped, as I thought it would be a far better story. Therefore, the moral of the story is that I'm a big jerk.

So, in a nutshell, this was my past week. I'm back to blogging daily now, my friends.

Judging Books By Their Covers

Sometimes, I don't need to add commentary to rather unfortunate book covers. They just...are.

Alien Secrets by Annette Curtis Klause is a book for teens. It might be the best book ever written, but none of my students (or myself) will read it. I don't think it ever circulated in the 15 years it was in the library. Having said that, I do love the look of joy on this alien's face:

Coping with Date Rape and Acquaintance Rape is outdated; this is why it made the discard pile. We have better resources on the topic.

I really am put off by the fact that all young men are portrayed as "the devil". When really puts this cover over the edge, though, is the devil's tail. Just...wow.

FYI--I am out of town next week and will update as I can.

Seven Things You Probably Didn't Know (and Probably Don't Care) About Me:

Hello, Dear Reader:

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was dealing with an "adult theme", i.e. getting a roof put on our house and didn't have the energy to write.

Lately, there's been this thing going around on Facebook where someone gives you a number and you are supposed to post a list of stuff that people don't know about you. I figured I would double-dip and post seven things about me on my blog and then link that to my Facebook feed. So here are Seven Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me:

1. I have 13 tattoos. There is nothing significant about the number 13--it's just the current number of tattoos. One of these tattoos is a full back tattoo. The owl tattoo on my arm is not from Harry Potter, despite what most people think. It is actually the cover of Rush's "Fly By Night" album.

2. My two favorite books of all time are Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger and American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

3. I have a cross stitch blog: spinkystitches.tumblr.com
You can see a cross stitch I designed of the band Rush on this blog.

4. My favorite season is autumn.

5. I am an introvert.

6.  I love being a school librarian. I do something different every day. My students are awesome!

7. I have Yes' "I've Seen All Good People" stuck in my head for three days now. I like my husband's appraisal of the song: it sounds like an exercise one had to practice typing for keyboarding class:

"I've seen all good people turn their heads each day, so satisfied, I'm on my way."

I agree with him.

First Snow, or Why I'll Never Be a Boy Scout

 

As I was driving in to work today, I thought about why I will never be a Boy Scout.

First off, I'm a woman in her 30s, so there are a few strikes right there.

Second, I'm never prepared, as was evidenced by me running around like a maniac at 6:30 this morning.

Yesterday evening, as I was cozied up on the couch crocheting, I watched the weather. The local weather man said there would be snow. I thought, "How cute." I didn't realize the implications of "snow".

Fast forward 10 hours: I am out in the street, wearing my newly crocheted hat, trying to chip ice off my windshield with a stick. Yes, with a stick. You know why? Because I can't find the snow brush. Where do the snowbrushes go in the summer? Anyway, I can tell you why no one has marketed a stick as the ultimate car de-icer: sticks suck. This is after I beat the hell out of the driver side to door to get into my car because the handle mechanism was frozen. And I beat the door and scraped the car with a stick without the benefit of gloves because I did not believe in this "snow" last night when I was sitting on the couch. Therefore, I didn't bother getting gloves together.

After 20 minutes, I admit defeat, get my husband's keys and use the snowbrush from his car. My car has finally defrosted and I leave for work...only to be caught in the construction on Lake Ave., which I should have considered after being caught in it last week.

I finally arrive to work late. And it's all my fault because I refused to get off the couch and get ready for winter.

Now that we've had the first snow of the year, I will not be so foolish. I plan on going home and thoroughly going through my garage for my snow brush. I also plan on going through my sock drawer for a pair of gloves. Winter has taught me its first cruel lesson.

My Life's Mission; or, Another Post about Bugs

This is my post where I chronicle my ongoing battle with house centipedes.

Mind you, this is not a battle I've chosen; rather, it is a destiny chosen for me, as I do not fear bugs.

At one point, I had a cat named The Bum. He used to capture house centipedes and pull their legs off, watching them squirm around. It was sort of "Reservoir Dogs" of him, I thought. One day, when I wasn't home, a particularly large house centipede ran across the living room floor, totally skeeving out my roommate, Amy. According to Amy, The Bum pounced on it and gobbled up the house centipede in one gulp. I think she was equally impressed and grossed out by The Bum. However, he was The Brave Slayer of House Centipedes until he passed away four years ago.

The Bum thought House Centipedes were delicious.

This past summer, I moved a dishcloth out of the kitchen sink. A house centipede crawled out from underneath the dishcloth. My child took one look and ran screaming from the room. My husband backed away nervously and said, "I'll let you take care of this."

So, I squished it and threw it out.

Once in awhile, house centipedes make an appearance in the library. Last year, a student ran out of the bathroom to tell me about a "large, prehistoric bug" that was on the wall. I ended up going into the bathroom, knocking the house centipede off the wall and flushing it down the toilet. There was applause from the group of students who had gathered to watch me battle the house centipede.

I believe that I was chosen by some greater power to keep sanity in a world that can potentially be taken over by these beasts. I will take up the charge and keep my people safe.

"I challenge you!"

Where the ducks go in the winter; or What the Duck?

So, if you are friends with me on Facebook, you may be wondering about my post on Halloween about the ducks in our library. Our library has two duck decoys; one of which I let a student borrow as part of her Halloween costume as Holden Caulfield. This is the story behind the ducks:

A few years ago, part of the senior prank at the school where I work was to put duck and goose decoys on one of the athletic fields. After the prank was over and the decoys were cleaned up, one went unclaimed. After sitting for months in the main office, I adopted him and brought him to the library.

The duck and me. Note the happy face behind us. It was truly a symbol of our brief friendship.

The duck and I were only together for a few days. One of the parents of the seniors came back to claim him.

My friend, Lora, knew of my sadness. For Christmas that year, she gave me a pair of duck decoys. These are the ducks that currently live in our library.

Lurlene McDaniel is this duck's favorite author. What can I say? He is really into tragic teen romance.

The ducks find themselves around the library in different places. The female is currently roosting in the cupboard where I keep the coffee, just to keep teachers on their toes.

Hi, there.

I let the student who went as Holden Caulfield bring the duck home so that she could show her piano teacher her costume. The next morning, she relayed the following anecdote: the student left the duck in her mom's car overnight, as she didn't want to forget to return the duck. Her father didn't know about the duck decoy; when he went into the garage in the early morning, he was upset that there was a duck in his wife's car. Everything was cool once the student the duck was not real.

The Cockroach of The County

American cockroach. Photo from Wikipedia--not of actual roach at polling place.

After a meeting last night, my son and I stopped at our polling place to vote. Rather, I stopped to vote and my son had to go with me because he is eight.

When we walked into the School 42 gym (the place where we vote), the election inspectors were in a tizzy. There was a cockroach on the wall. Mind you, this was not just a cockroach. It was freakin' HUGE! This sucker had to be at least three to four inches long and very fat. Of course, my son and I had to walk up to it and look at it because it was so big. I then got my ballot and proceeded to vote.

Meanwhile, the roach caused hysteria.

One of the poll workers jumped up, grabbed her purse and screamed, "Oh, Lordy! It's gonna fly into my purse! I just know it is! And then I'm gonna end up bringing that sucker home!"

I tried to concentrate on my ballot. At one point, I turned around to watch the action. One of the election inspectors had the school janitor hitting the roach with a broom. "Oh, Lordy! He's going free! He's going free!," the poll worker screamed.

The janitor hit the cockroach behind some mats by the stage in the gym. The election inspectors gathered by the mats, watching, what I assumed, was the roach's demise. I say "assumed" because we didn't stick around to see what happened.

Of course, on the way home, my head was itchy because I kept thinking about the roach and became paranoid that it was crawling on me. I was totally skeeved out.

As on every Election Day, my husband stayed up late to watch the returns. I didn't stay up. I was sure of the verdict: the Giant Cockroach of 42 School was going to win ALL the elections--mayor, sheriff, judge, school board, etc. Otherwise, why would it be trying to sway the vote on Election Day?

Afterword: If the roach was indeed trying to sway the vote, it would have been doing something illegal. One cannot campaign within a certain distance of a polling place.

The Ghost of John Oates, or Totally Judging a Book By Its Cover

Last week, local author Vivian Vande Velde visited our library. I told her how I "totally judge books by their covers" on my blog, as part of her talk to the students is about how authors don't get to choose their illustrations or cover art.

And then she gave me permission to judge one of her books by the cover:

According to Vivian's website, A Coming Evil is about "During the German occupation of France in 1940, 13-year-old Lisette meets a ghost while living with her aunt who harbors Jewish and Gypsy children in the French countryside." (If you visit the link for the book, you will see the new cover).

I would have never guessed that by the cover art.

First off, "Lisette" on the cover art looks older than 13. She also looks like an amalgamation of various photos cut out of fashion magazines from the 1980s. 

Her legs and feet are weirdly contorted, as the hand on the ground. Why is she awkwardly picking a flower? What are those yellow flowers in the forest?

According to Vivian, the beret appears to be cut out of red construction paper. Maybe the illustrator couldn't find a red beret in the issues of Seventeen he/she was cutting up?

What really gets me is the ghost. Vivian points out that the ghost is that of a young teen boy. Not in this illustration:

The ghost dude has a 'stache...and a mullet. Did tween boy ghosts have mullets during WWII? 

Also, it appears the ghost's head isn't completely on his body. When I asked Vivian if the boy had been beheaded, she said no. 

After looking at the picture of the ghost emanating the essence of the 1980s, I tried to place who could have modeled such awesomeness. I think I came up with the solution:

For it is John Oates private eyes watching you from the cover of A Coming Evil!

Note: Many thanks to Vivian Vande Velde for providing me with the cover graphics of A Coming Evil and letting me lampoon her book's cover. She did not, however, provide me with the picture of Hall and Oates. That was Wikipedia.


Note Two: Please check out Vivian Vande Velde's books at your local library. They are pretty awesome, especially Now You See It (a personal fav). Also, come out and meet Vivian on November 16 at the Rochester Children's Book Festival.

Adult themes, or why I haven't updated my blog in awhile

My mom is an avid subscriber of TV Guide. She has been my whole life. I spent many hours of my childhood reading the movie descriptions in the back of the magazine. This is where I learned about "adult themes". Granted, I didn't know what it meant when I was a kid; I thought it was something taboo and exciting.

Now that I'm an adult, I have decided that "adult themes" actually means the crap you have to take responsibility for as a grown up. For example, having to put down your beloved pet cat that you had as a kitten because he is sick--that's an adult theme. Paying a $3500 vet bill for said beloved cat is another adult theme.

Over the past week, I've had several adult themes in my life. If you follow my blog, you will remember my tribute to a friend who passed away last week. That was Monday. On Wednesday, I found out that my father-in-law had a heart attack and was in the hospital. Over the weekend, the roof in my craft room started leaking. Upon talking to the contractor, we found out that we will have to replace the roof on our whole house.

Right now, my life has so many adult themes that it should be rated NC-17, or Not Suitable for Children Under 17.

Having said all that, I believe that these things aren't too bad. I refuse to get bogged down in negativity. The best thing for me to do is to deal with the situations and move on. As my Grandpa Clyde said when the doctor told him he was going to die, "Eh, whatcha gonna do?"

Mind you, this was three years ago and Grandpa Clyde is still alive. The upshot of the story is that your attitude affects how you handle things.

Tomorrow on the blog, I will be back to lampooning bad book covers. That's my promise to you, the consumer. :-)

Feline Bohemian Rhapsody, or Totally Judging a Book By Its Cover

"Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality."

This, dear reader, is what goes through my head when I reshelve this book in our library:

Do you think the illustrator may have been influenced by Queen...just a bit?

 

A tribute to a friend -- a "not funny" blog post

I found out last night that a friend of mine from college passed away. I had been following her battle with cancer on Facebook. I was shocked and saddened to learn of her passing.

Although we didn't hang out on a regular basis, I learned a lot from my friend, Katie. When Katie first came to Bonaventure, I was jealous of her because one of my friends had a crush on her. I assumed she would be a snob because she was so pretty. However, I became her friend when Katie and I both participated in the Oxford program during the summer of 1996. Katie was a genuine person; she was kind, funny and positive. I was a cynical young adult; Katie's friendship taught me to be less cynical.

I reconnected with Katie a few years ago via Facebook. I shared in her happiness when she and Dom adopted their son. I followed her battle with cancer and offered my support through kind words and care packages that my friend, Amy, and I put together.

Katie taught me how to die with dignity. She was open about her journey and treatments and positive. She was grateful for the people in her life and life itself.

So, thank you Katie Dudley Perry, for your sparkle and optimism. You made me a better person by helping me adjust my outlook on life. For that, my sparkly cowgirl, I will be forever grateful.

Ninja!

Some days, I don't have much to say, but keeping in the spirit of blogging each day, I present to you a picture of a ninja I crocheted for A.S. King. She's a very cool author and I suggest you check out her books, especially Please Ignore Vera Dietz, which is one of my favorite books ever.

Little Gremlins on the Prairie, or Totally Judge a Book By Its Cover

Or so I thought when I unpacked this book:

Now, don't get me wrong: Garth Williams is one of my favorite illustrators. In fact, we are reading The Borrowers as a family and I love Williams' drawings of the mice. I grew up with the Little House books and liked how the pictures told the stories of Laura's life.

Maybe this particular drawing is an anomaly. While it looks great at a glance, there is something more sinister about it:

Why are the girl's eyes rolling back into her head? Is she possessed by the kitten? (my theory). One of my coworkers insisted that it isn't actually a kitten, but Gizmo from Gremlins. Was Williams trying to warn us of the impending doom of feeding this creature after midnight because of the havoc it would cause on this small frontier town?

If you want to know if the prediction of the little old man who owned the Chinese curiosities shop was correct and the if the Ingalls family survived the death and destruction of prairie gremlins, I recommend Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Giving Up Coffee

Last week, like right in the middle of the week, I decided I didn't want to drink coffee anymore.

Maybe it's because I make my coffee so strong. Maybe it's because it didn't taste good to me that day. For some reason, I was totally done with drinking coffee. Instead, I've been drinking green tea.

I cleaned out my little one cup coffeemaker at home and have been using that to brew tea. I am pleasantly surprised at how well it does!

I can't explain my sudden aversion to coffee. I do know that I'm not as thirsty in the mornings anymore, so I guess that's cool. I also don't have any withdrawal headaches or anything.

I know this qualifies as my most boring blog post to date, but I felt the need to blog about it. Sorry.

My Open (Love) Letter to 90.5 WBER

Dear 90.5 WBER,

I admit: it was my fault I strayed. It's not that I so much like all the classic rock; I just like, like maybe 3 bands, and I thought that flipping wildly through all the classic rock stations would allow me to listen to the 3 or so bands I like. Honestly, I wasn't happy in this relationship. I only caught a snippet or Rush or Zeppelin between too much Journey and Aerosmith. Also, the Rush or Zeppelin or Floyd they played were the same songs. I know these bands have a more extensive discography.

Anyhow, I spent the last few years just flipping through, not really listening or loving the radio. However, that changed this morning. I was heading from Wegmans where I picked up my healthy snacks for the next two days, to my job and you played Henry Rollins' "Liar". To steal a line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, in that moment, I swear I was infinite.

I love the fact that you play such a mix of different music. I like New Wave Wednesdays because I feel like I should be whipping out my jelly bracelets and hairspray and it puts me in such a great frame of mind for dealing with the day. Also, I like Spotlight Review. Just what you do is awesome, WBER. Know that.

When I listen to you, I feel like I have been reunited with an old friend. Thank you, WBER, for being you.

Love,

Kim

P.S. What is the title and artist of the song that talks about taking one's heart out through the sternum? This song has been the subject of conversation during coffee with my friend Zums the past two days. I think it sounds like Beemo from Adventure Time sings it, but that is because I am obsessed with Adventure Time.

How I changed my life

Ten months ago, I did something that totally changed my life: I started karate classes.

I remember sitting in my car before that first class. I texted Amy something to the effect of "I don't know if I can do this." I was scared: I wasn't fit in the least; I had little confidence. I took a deep breath, opened my car door and went into the dojo. Little did I know at that time what would be the result of that one class.

This past Wednesday, I ranked advanced orange belt. To me, my belt rank is more than a symbol of my martial arts knowledge; it is a symbol of my journey from being couch- bound and depressed to fit and happy. Since starting karate in January, I have lost weight and gained muscle. I have become an optimist. I love to laugh. I have confidence in my jobs and my relationships.

Thank you to my instructors at UMAC for pushing me and inspiring me. I appreciate that you have inspired me to be a better me.

Look! Look! Look at my liver!, or Judge a Book By Its Cover

One of the more interesting aspects of being a librarian is weeding the stacks. Over the years, we have found some really interesting books in our library.

Despite the adage that one cannot judge a book by its cover, I assure you that many readers do. Such as this one:

I know that Orson Scott Card has many fans. His other books circulate. This one does not and I'm pretty sure it has to do with the cover. If I were to interpret the story line by the cover, I would guess that some 80s rock star (judging by the dude's hair) is raising a golden liver from a forge.  His body language is saying, "Look! Look! Look at my liver!" And, what's with the kid in the right corner? He seems rather impressed by this feat!

I realize that the fantasy genre lends itself to interesting cover art, but Rick Springfield and the Golden Liver?

Library humor

So, we have these ancient grammar books that we found in a classroom.

 

We still use them with the students. After all, grammar doesn't really "go bad"; that is, it doesn't change.

We opened up one of the books just to gauge the age of the textbooks and how long we had been using them. We found this:

Well played, student. Well played.

Support the Greater Rochester Teen Book Festival!

This is a shameless plug for a cause I hold near and dear to my heart: the Greater Rochester Teen Book Festival or TBF.

This Saturday, October 12, is the Annual Read-a-Thon (or RAT) to support TBF. If you happen to be out and about this weekend, stop at the Barnes and Noble in Pittsford to say hi to the teen readers. Click here to get a voucher. A portion of the weekend's sales at B&N will go to TBF.

A.S. King, author of Please Ignore Vera Dietz and Everybody Sees the Ants will be presenting at 7 p.m., followed by a book signing.

TBF is important to me because I've seen the impact it has on teens. It is an event that encourages teens to get excited about books and writing. TBF is free to attend because of fundraising events like the RAT.

So, dear readers, if you live in the Rochester area, please stop out this Saturday between 4 and 8 p.m. at the Barnes and Noble in Pittsford to support a great cause.

Thank you.

Out the Window

I've been teaching in high schools now for 15 years. A perpetual concern among my students each year is standardized testing--SAT and ACT. Today, two of my 12th graders were nervous about tomorrow's SAT. I told them, "You are successful on the test if you don't go out the window."

When I was an English teacher, one of my students told me a story of his experience taking the SAT. He testing in a first floor classroom of a local high school. After a break during the test, the students resumed some difficult section of testing. Another student in the room stood up, said something to the effect that the test was too hard and climbed out the window.*

Since hearing this story, I have told many of my nervous SAT-takers about the young man who went out the window. I let my students know that true success on the test isn't really the score; it's whether or not you finish the test or climb out the window during testing.

*I usually get asked why the kid didn't just get up and walk out the door. I think he used the window to make a dramatic point about the SAT.

So it occurred to me on the drive into work this morning that the reason why I don't update my blog is that I made it too narrow: to focus on fitness and wellness. I feel that if that is all I write about, the blog will become boring and self-righteous.

It's time to open this blog up to other aspects of my life: my family & friends,  martial arts, books and reading, all things library, my craft projects, cooking and my obsession with the band Rush.*

If you are following this blog, and I know at least one person is checking in daily, you will be treated to all things Kimmie. If not, well, then... :-)

Also, NaNoWriMo is coming up very soon. I don't know if I want to actually participate by writing a novel again. I did last year, but crapped out around Day 18 because my inner voice told me the novel was stupid, not going anywhere and I needed to make cross stitch ornaments for Christmas instead. Instead of committing to NaNoWriMo, I will commit to a blog entry a day. 

* I like lots of other music besides Rush. In fact, I'm listening to the Talking Heads while I type. I just happen to listen to a lot of Rush and have seen them in concert many times and have a sort of shrine to Geddy Lee on my desk at work.

I'm not dead.

But I did go back to my full-time job and had a crazy week. That's why I didn't post.

OMNI blog

I was told by someone I very much respect that I have too many blogs on the Internet. I am putting them all together here, so that readers can check them. This is my main blog and is about my personal musings, my fitness journey, recipes, crafty things, and random stuff. I don't really update my Tumblr, but occasionally update my cross stitch page. I will start a craft page on here, too. I like the idea of having all my stuff in one place. Look for more updates to this blog very soon. So, thanks for the suggestion, Mark.

Still truckin'

Lately, I've started walking/ running in the mornings. My kid joins me--that's how I got running again. You see, when you put an 8 year old on a scooter and he goes, you need to catch up!

I really enjoy getting out into the early morning, experiencing nature and exercising. I am sad that I will have to be at work at 7 a.m., seeing as how I won't be able to do this. I'm afraid I will lose my workout time once my full time job starts again, and I don't want that to happen.

I think I'm going to have to sit down with my schedule and make a daily appointment on my calendar to exercise. And keep that appointment, which is the most difficult part, as I am pulled in different directions between work and my family. However, exercise makes me better at these things. I need to remember this.

My Wellness Journey, Part the First

I really see my lifestyle changes as a wellness journey, instead of weight loss. However, weight loss is a tangible result of wellness. This is why I am referring to weight loss in this post.

It's official as of today--I am down 20.5 lbs. from where I was at this time last year.

Now, I know that I'm not going to be called up for any weight-loss endorsement deals. It's no shocking or quick weight loss regiment, but the way I see it, I did it! Granted, I would like to lose 30 to 40 lbs. more, but I'm happy with my results.

So, you are probably wondering how I did it. I made small changes to my diet over time and have been incorporating exercise on a regular basis.

The most significant change to my diet is that I eat vegan most of the time, at least 2 meals a day. I follow Mark Bittman's blog and read his VB6 book. It changed the way I think of food. I didn't start out eating vegan or if I did, I took the all-or-nothing approach. The all-or-nothing approach set me up for terrible migraines and made me ugly to be around (just ask my husband). What worked for me was eating more vegetables and fruit--say, replacing a side of chips with my sandwich with cut-up red peppers or cukes. I also try to make one of my snacks a fruit or vegetable. This is how I got more veggies in my diet. My meals became based around veggies, rather than meat or starch.

 I don't go hungry. I eat when I am hungry. This has made a huge difference, as I don't starve myself and binge at the next meal. I also am not too strict with myself, so if I'm out with friends, I will eat and have a good time.

I feel that what has helped me lose weight the most is that I started taking karate and kickboxing classes. I have to exercise at least three times a week now. I needed structure because it was too easy to blow off going to the gym. I really like the people and program at United Martial Arts Center.

The most important aspect of my weight-loss journey thus far is this: I haven't really been focusing on the pounds lost (in fact, I only started weighing myself weekly about a month ago). I've been focusing on how I feel: Do I have energy? Do I feel strong? Am I happy?

And, yes, I am definitely happier than I was a year ago.

Many thanks to those who have been supportive of my wellness journey, especially my husband, Mark, who is willing to try new food; my best friend, Amy, who is my kickboxing buddy; and my friend, Colleen, who is my cheerleader. You guys totally rock!

What You Love

Over the past few days, I've been thinking about this comic strip that came across my Tumblr dashboard in the spring. It was about a girl who rode horses and then opened up her own riding school. The point of the comic is that if one does what he/she loves, happiness will follow.

I've been searching for that comic because I find it inspiring. I think about how it applies to my own life. I love what I do: I teach. I'm never going to be a millionaire or famous, but I'm cool with that.

Fail?

I started to do a weekly weigh-in to monitor my progress with my fitness goals. I will go into those in detail a little later. Anyhow, I gained two pounds over the past week. 

I know where I fell down: I skipped kickboxing on Saturday morning. I fell apart on my daily workouts. I had two burger-and-fries meals two days in a row. 

I'm not going to dwell on the 2 pound gain as some sort of moral failure. It's time to look ahead as to what I can do, not what I should have done. It is a reason to re-evaluate what I am doing and switch it up.

This week, I AM going to kickboxing. I AM paying attention to my meals. I AM drinking my water.

Grilled Tofu

My husband grilled tonight, so I had him grill some tofu for me.

Basically, this is what I did:

1. Got some extra firm tofu from Wegmans.
2. Pressed it in a colander with two soup cans for, like, a half hour.
3. Marinated it in some barbeque sauce for 5 hours.
4. Had husband grill it until it was charred.

It was fantastic! I had it over rice with grilled peppers and onions and a little more barbeque sauce.

Shout out to my husband for grilling the tofu!