My Plan Involving Sauna Pants

I finally was able to hang out with my best friend, Amy, yesterday. I hadn't seen her in almost two weeks. She came over for lunch and then we decided to head out to the Shops at West Ridge because we enjoy walking through and giving a running commentary on their stuff. Amy found a particularly small, creepy doll in a display case. The vendor had put the doll in a bag. She claimed that the tiny dolls are the most dangerous because they are so small they can't eat your hair--they eat your eyelashes. That's why it had to not only be locked up, but also put in a bag. This way, it can't get out to chew on your eyelashes while you sleep.

As we were walking through, I updated Amy on my sister's wedding. I don't believe I mentioned it here on the blog--my sister, Katie, is getting married in April. It's a destination wedding in Florida. I'm one of the bridesmaids. Anyhow, as I was telling Amy yesterday, I've put off buying the bridesmaid dress. One reason for my procrastination is that I really don't have the discretionary money to sink into the dress. The second, and probably more pressing reason, is that I really, really despise going to David's Bridal. It is my own personal hell. It's loud, it's bright, and it is very...princess-y. Last time I was a bridesmaid, the consultant at David's said my arms were  like "tattooed sausages". Why the hell am I paying someone a handsome fee to insult me? I've spent the last year trying to build up my self-esteem. I really don't need a bridal consultant to tear it down by telling me that my body is not beautiful because I don't fit into the standardized American perception of beauty.

So, I haven't gone to pick up the damn dress yet. However, I did come up with alternatives to the dress that I'm sure my sister will be totally willing to entertain:

1. The gorilla suit.* On the corner of Lake Avenue and Stonewood, there is this sketchy-looking variety store. Outside of said store is an A-frame sign and a pink gorilla suit. I'm thinking I can pick up that gorilla suit for mad cheap--it's been outside for most of the winter and is right outside the tattoo parlor. People from the tattoo parlor go outside and smoke by the gorilla; I'm sure it has an aroma.

I know the gorilla suit is not "malibu"; it's pink. However, I'm sure a gallon of Clorox to bleach the suit and some dye in bright blue will bring the suit up to the wedding's standards. Plus, I'm sure the gorilla suit is very sturdy and the fake fur wouldn't mat in the dryer or fall out or anything. I'm pretty sure this plan will work out well and I will be standing on the beach in Florida not looking like a deranged Sully from Monsters Inc. with alopecia.

"Hey, kids!"

As Amy pointed out yesterday, "Your sister says she is a 'beachy girl'. You just shrug and tell her you are a 'gorilla suit girl.' She'll understand and think it's awesome!"

2. My second plan was inspired by a post on Retronaut:

I love how he is looking so lovingly at his woman wearing sauna pants. People will look lovingly at me, too.

I think these sauna pants with a coconut bra (Amy pointed out that I would need a top). If you look at the picture, the pants have a straw attached. I could keep a pina colada in there or something and sip it during the wedding. Another option would be to keep Green Goddess dressing in the pants, fill up a fanny pack with crudite, and keep the pina colada in the coconut bra (this would have a straw, too). I would offer snacks and drinks to the guests during the wedding. People would be really impressed with my sister's ingenuity at having a one-woman buffet run around during the ceremony. And I'm sure these people would be grossed out at the idea of drinking Green Goddess dressing from a straw out of my sauna pants.

I bet I could get custom sauna pants in Malibu blue, too.

The other benefit of wearing the sauna pants would be that I would lose a ton of water weight. Then I could go to David's Bridal without having my self-esteem cut to shreds because the consultants would wonder at my svedlt body and want to know my secrets. Of course, at that point, the wedding would be over, so I wouldn't have to go to David's Bridal anyway; and the consultants will never know my secret!

As much as I want to be a "gorilla suit kind of girl", I think I'm definitely a "sauna pants and coconut bra kind of girl." Due to the frequency of Amy and my visit's to the Shops on West Ridge, I'm pretty sure I will find these sauna pants. Hey, maybe the sketchy variety store carries them!

I bet my sister is going to read this post and think I'm freaking brilliant.

To the other bridesmaids who already bought the dress which I know we can't return: I'm really sorry that you already bought the dress and that my sister is having you go buy sauna pants from the 1970s. Get your money's worth from the bridesmaid dress and spend the next 10 Halloweens as a princess.

Just sayin'.

*My husband first posited the gorilla suit as an alternative to the bridesmaid's dress about a month ago. I can't take credit for the idea--just the idea of bleaching the hell out of it and dying it Malibu.